Classroom Names

For twenty years, I’ve been a teacher
And it really seems
My students have strange names each year
But this year is extreme

I have a John, I have a Juan
I’m quite used to those names
But what am I supposed to do
With names like Juanjohnjames?

One girl’s name is the sound of coughing
That one I can say
But her twin’s is the sound of a zebra
What is that, anyway?

How many S’s in Kerssssssssssssplat?
How many T’s in Sputtttt?
How can I keep from laughing
When I say McSmileybutt?

One of my student’s names is just
A picture of a cow
One changes his name every hour
(It’s Ebenezer now)

And one girl’s name I will not say
Because her name is cursed
She whispered it in my left ear once
And then my eardrum burst

It’s all just too confusing now
It’s really something messy
It makes me glad my parents gave me
A normal name like Lord Vortigoth the 3007th

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